How to SUCK at pair programming

Pair programming is a wonderful technique where two developers come together to accomplish one task with half the productivity and twice the resentment.

For those looking to derail this process with style and master the art of collaborative sabotage, here’s your step-by-step guide to making every session as painful and unproductive as humanly possible.

Establish Dominance

The driver role is sacred, and by sacred, I mean yours. Hold on to it for dear life.
When your partner timidly suggests a role swap, laugh softly and say, “No worries, I’ve got it”.

You didn’t get here by being a team player, you got here by pushing people around until you get your way.

Let ‘em know who’s boss.

Ignore Your Partner

They mention a typo? Nod silently and keep typing.
Suggesting a better approach? Let out a passive-aggressive “mhmm” and proceed to do it your way (the best way).

Don’t miss the opportunity to make your partner feel like there is no point to even talk.

Human Rubber Ducky

Tired of writing code? Time to piss off time looking at your phone.
This is a great moment to mercifully allow that other poor soul to type.

Your primary role here is to be utterly, completely, and silently useless.

Your partner types, you stare.
They debug, you breathe.
They ask for input, you offer a cryptic grunt or perhaps a well-timed yawn.

The goal is to be less helpful than a syntax error, essentially transforming yourself into a warm body occupying a chair.

The Navigator Distractor

Since you are not typing, hence not paying any attention whatsoever, it’s a great moment to bring up anything that comes to mind. The less relevant the better.

That meeting that nobody asked for? Complain about it.
You ate some crap last night and got mild diarrhea? Let ‘em know.
Planning your next trip? Give them all the details.

Bonus points if they are debugging prod.

Nitpicks For Days

Conversely, if you can’t manage complete apathy, go for the opposite extreme. Every keystroke is an opportunity for critique.

“You missed a white space!”
“Do you really need a while loop?”
“I don’t like that variable name!”

Your partner should feel like they’re undergoing a highly aggressive driving test, with you as the perpetually disappointed instructor.
The key here is to offer no constructive alternatives, just relentless, nitpicky condemnation.

Weaponize Questions

You already know it all, so questions only serve one purpose: to traumatize your co-worker.

“You know how this works, right?”
“Did you not see this coming?”
“Who would write crap like this?”

Passive-aggressive is your middle name.

Praise, But Not Really

Sprinkle in some motivational comments like:

“I like it…as a first approach.”
“That’s quite good…for someone your level.”
“That’s an…interesting way to do it.”

Make them feel like there’s hope…and then crush it.

Your Own Best Practices

Use the “best practices” hammer to strike down on any and all approach to programming you personally dislike.

Don’t like functional programming? Best practice is to use OOP.
Don’t like layers? Best practice is to do everything in one file. No modules, no nothing. Call it something fancy like “locality of behavior” to hide the fact that it’s just bullshit.
Doesn’t matter if you use the term incorrectly, just shoot some fancy-sounding words at the problem.

“Best practice” is whatever you want it to be.

Code Style Is A Weapon

Spacing? Braces? Tabs vs spaces? Semicolon?
You are the Judge, Jury, and Linter. Repeat with me: “I am the law”.

Declare a new law every 15 minutes.
Retroactively shame them for not knowing the law.

If they question the law, come up with some “industry standard” that confirms the law and refuse to cite sources.

Make It Weirdly Personal

If they make a mistake, use it as a segue into a dysfunctional psychotherapy session.

“You are very thorough with your tests. Do you feel insecure about your ability to write bug-free code?”
“Interesting variable name. What made you come up with it?”

Don’t evaluate the code, judge the person.

Conclusion

Remember, pair programming isn’t about collaboration.
It’s a psychological endurance sport, and you don’t need to be the best: you just need to make your partner collapse faster than you.

It’s a great chance to do fuck all while pretending to work, a chance to show someone how inferior their thought process, syntax choices, and entire existence are compared to yours.

Have some fun, do nothing productive, make them suffer.